I’m the kid who laughs at every opportunity, the one always ready to crack a joke. The student who gets his work done on time, and shows up early to everything. I care for my friends and family, and I walk amongst you as a normal person. I’m also depressed.

For what seems like unending periods of time, I want to die. I feel an aching existential pain of worthlessness and insignificance. Some nights I go to bed and hope to pass in my sleep, other nights I lay awake fantasizing about ways to kill myself.

These thoughts wax and wane, but they never go away. There are times when they dominate and I snap at the people I care about the most. Saying words that I know will cause maximum damage just so I have the satisfaction of bringing someone to my level, my threshold of pain. Then the feelings pass and I am left to apologize for the other guy’s mess. But I never apologize, I just keep moving forward as if nothing happened.

I stay silent because to out myself would mean that I have to confront the problem I have. Instead, I drink and do drugs-and for some time changed smoked like a fiend. But I know full well that this is no way to live.

I seek out those who are like me and help in any way I can. I do this to forget the fact that I need help.

I am a normal person just like you. I smile, laugh, and go about my day as usual. But when I get into my bed at night it’s a battle to go to sleep and wake up the next day and do it over again, and again, and again.

You don’t know who I am or maybe you do. If you don’t I’d like it to stay that way. If you do: just ask me how my day is going and give a damn when you ask.

Signed,

-xxxx